How to deal with toxic relationships?
We come across different kinds of people in life. There are people around us who survive in the same space as we do without any conflicts with our outlook. There are yet others who are not in agreement with us but co-exist since neither we nor they have an alternative to choose from. Most of these relationships happen to be ‘yet another acquaintance’ kind, providing us the space to handle them without any difficulty. There are some more relationships which appear to be toxic in nature making us feel it is better to run away to an unexplored land. Our social and cultural norms insist us to cling on to these relationships however toxic they are. This is mainly because some relationships are supposed to be travelling with us throughout our life. We find ourselves chained to such relationships while the inherent thirst for freedom in us keeps haunting us. This is when we experience hell on earth.
Some relationships which we cannot exit from irrespective of the issues they cause are our parents, siblings, spouse and children. The modern world and technological advancements foster the nuclear family system excluding siblings from our life in a cultured manner. It becomes our responsibility to take care of our parents when they age and ail. We get so used to our parents right from our birth that most of the times we do not get hurt by their actions and words. We are psychologically ready to take things easy when it is our parents on the other side. Being the creators of our children, whenever their words or activities contradict our expectations, we easily attribute the same to our gene. This relieves us from the tension experienced to some extent for a temporary period of time. One relationship that enters our life carrying an external set of genes is ‘Spouse’. This difference in genes acts as the root cause of all differences that arise between the husband and wife throughout their life time
How to deal with toxic relationships, especially the relationship between husband and wife?
Being a spouse requires an ‘extra bit’ of all virtues one may inherently possess. Husband and wife relationship basically necessitates the understanding that ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’. It is highly paradoxical to think that just because we are married to someone we automatically get authenticated as their ‘alter-ego’. It is absolutely common to notice that most of the married couples claim themselves to be opposite poles. However, it is noticed that even such couples who belong to opposite poles live together for many decades in marital relationship. As Science explains, probably, opposite poles attract.
Husband and Wife relationship is, no doubt, a complicated one. This is mainly due to the various factors that exert influence over their life every passing moment. Right from the educational background to the familial practices, food habits to sleeping tendencies, cultural background to emotional aspects, every individual view may vary . While societal expectations from a husband and wife are well laid out, it is true that the roles of husband and wife have become highly interchangeable in today’s scenario. However, men remain men and women remain women down below as far as their sub conscience in concerned. Human psychology, most of the times, stay aloof from the society around and its demarcations. Particularly when it comes to handling the spouse, basic instincts play their role in the same manner that happened thousands of years ago. Attribute it to possessiveness or the green eyed monster that is awake deep within, the rift maintains itself in a healthy manner between the husband and the wife. That which cannot be cured must be endured goes the saying. It becomes necessary to find out ways to endure with the spouse instead of opting to quit the relationship in a jiffy. For eg. There are always innumerable problems between husband and wife, but one has to remember that in a relationship there is always a settler and there is always a troubler, all relationship that stays attached somehow is because of the settler in the relationship, be it the husband or wife, it doesn’t matter. Some relationship are so toxic ,that you cannot settle with each other on any terms. Dalai Lama said –“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace”. If your relationship with anyone is destroying your mental peace ,it isn’t worth to continue the relationship anymore and you have got to step out of the societal illusion and discover the true path to freedom but in a subtle way. You can mutually decide to end the relationship on good terms. You can also give it a little try to work things out with your partner before you take a decision that you regret later. You can do whatever you want, but you need to understand that it is you who are going to live with the consequences of your decision, whatever decision you take, you have got to accept the consequences of your action and live with it happily, otherwise you would be an indecisive fool for the most part of your life.
Should we get rid of them?
Today’s world is fast paced in every aspect. People search for a ‘quick fix’ for every issue they are made to handle. Inability to cope up with the spouse seems yet another issue and the quick fix for the situation mostly happens to be separation. An important factor to ponder over however is – is there a perfect match born in the world for each one of us who plan to get married? Marriages happen either by our choice or the family’s choice. Marriages make men and women live with another person belonging to the opposite gender. It is prudent for every spouse to understand that the terminology ‘perfect match’ is highly paradoxical. Getting rid of a spouse whom we feel is not compatible may on the long run appear childish since compatibility between a husband and wife is more psychological. Unless the decision to live alone is taken, it is not worth to get rid of a spouse only to fall in the hands of another toxic character. However, if you find yourself within the claw of an evil devil in disguise who wouldn’t change for the better or give their bit in the relationship, instead who keeps poisoning your family and your mind, it’s better to get separated on such circumstances than live a sorrowful life filled with disgust and adjustment which will eventually kill you. Always remember that true wealth is made up of four things-Better Health, loving family, ability to learn and grow as a person in all spheres of life and the ability to give & share with the world whatever brilliance you have to offer in whatever forms you can offer. If any of these variables is erratic in its behavior, your wealth equation will suffer drastically leading to a direct impact in your life.
Should we give them another try?
Giving up on a spouse whom we feel highly toxic is probably the easiest thing to do on earth. Whenever we get into a disagreement with our spouse and the feeling that he or she is highly toxic takes over, think honestly about the issue in hand. Most of the times, a clear understanding about the background of the spouse will make you empathize with him or her. This understanding will bring the psychological background for the flare ups to the forefront. The emotional maturity that such an understanding offers tones you down to handle the spouse in a more matured manner. The enlightenment that happens in the psychological front will make you feel sorry for your other half than getting angry or feeling frustrated about the whole issue. Understanding them from a psychological perspective will also make the relationship last long creating passion and love for each other on the long run. After all, life is not meant for trying relationships on a trial and error basis. Particularly when it comes to a person who is termed as one’s ‘better half’, every measure to set life right must be taken. Leave no stone unturned to mend the relationship. Give your spouse the longest rope possible before taking the decision to split.
How can we handle them?
Handling a toxic spouse need some conscious efforts from the other half. Some tips are given below to handle the person in a matured manner during real life scenarios.
- Restrain yourself from doing anything to avoid your spouse
- Accept the reality that you have a spouse who is highly toxic
- When this acceptance syncs in, you will not become angry or get frustrated every time something flairs up between the two of you
- Acceptance of the reality will help you look for solutions from within rather than making hasty decisions. It will also help you to tone your emotions down.
- Assess if you are the reason for the emotional drama performed by your spouse every time
- If you feel any of your attitude or past action is the reason for the same, mend your ways
- Avoid speaking when the frenzy is on. Take a deep breath and allow your spouse to vent out her frustration completely
- Have an open talk with your spouse once they calm down. Tell them that they are important to you and you love them with all your heart
- Distract yourself from the trauma caused every time by involving in self developmental activities
- Ascertain tactfully if there is any psychological background related to their childhood which is influencing their current behavior and attitude
- Assess the situations that causes such tensions and do everything possible to avoid the same from recurring
- If you feel the behavior or attitude is due to psychological aberrations, take him or her for a psychological counseling when they are in normal moods. Remember, toxic people do not remain completely ‘toxic’ at all points of time.
How to convert these toxic relationships into a happy and loving one?
Most of the times, rifts with spouse is considered as an embarrassing issue to be discussed with a third person since it involves one’s image. Irrespective of whether it is shared with others or kept to oneself, handling a spouse who is highly toxic is a real challenge faced by millions of people around the world on a day to day basis. Understanding the spouse in the best possible manner is one way of handling him or her. When we understand our better half from a psychological point of view, most of the issues they complain about get addressed by themselves. This will calm them down over a period of time making it easy for us as time passes by. When this calming down happens, the hidden love between each other tend to show itself out involuntarily in our actions and words. This will automatically drive the love for each other making life a fairy tale to a certain extent.
Written by Rama Ramji edited by SiteMaster